Extreme Couponing....Update...

Honestly, I have written this post two or three times. 

About a month ago, I posted over at Christie's...


...that I would try Extreme Couponing and report back with my findings.

Initially, I dove right in.  I clipped coupons from the Sunday paper, compared sales, even tried some online coupon sites.  Your comments were greatly appreciated, and I found new websites I'd never even heard of for deals and extra deep discounts.  And, just as quickly, I learned that I am attempting to do this in one of the hardest areas of the country.  The coupons are extremely hard to come by, the policies stricter, and sales prices honestly, just not as good.  One coupon site boasted thousands of grocery store coupons, only to reveal five available in my area. FIVE.

Not deterred, I pressed on, I did what I could with what was available.  I began just with the grocery stores, and then moved to the pharmacies.  And, while I did very well (between 40 and 60%) this by far was one of the best trip ever...

5 boxes tissues, 6 boxes of cereal, 5 jars of Ragu, corn,
3 lbs of pork roast, 4 lbs of Purdue chicken, 2 sensitive Colgate's,
2 jars Skippy, 2 pks of Advil, 2 bottles of Hersey syrup,
1 box contact solution, 2 Suave deodorants, 2 Gillette deodorants,
1 Large Bottle of Listerine

I got approximately $180 worth of product for $50. 

In the end, I found that by just paying attention and stocking up when things are on sale, I could always save about 50%.  While I did have some items that I got lucky with like this $15 makeup...

....for $3, coffee creamer that they paid me (.15 each) to walk out of the store with, and this box of Oldest's favorite cereal....

...for free, those deals were few and far between. Basically, by planning out my trips and making a detailed list, I was spending a lot less money and a lot less time in the stores. But, perhaps the most surprising thing I discovered in doing this little experiment, was something I had no idea was even a problem.

Basically, as a single mother, financially supporting the family has been difficult.  With no child support in sight, and having to make enough to offset the cost of day care, at the end of the month, food just wasn't a priority.  In fact, we never had much food in the house, just what we needed to get by.  When Almost Hubs came into the picture, he often bought a few things here and there, but stocking the fridge was just not a priority.  We would eat what we had until I could no longer make a meal from what was left.  Then, in frustration, I would go to the store, buy a cart's worth of groceries, and spend the next few weeks trying to figure out where the money would come from to pay the rest of the bills. 

When I started couponing, I found that in order to get the best prices, we had to stock up a bit. I carved out a bit of shelf space and started stocking cereal, rice, sauce, and paper products.  Shampoo and deodorants were coming out to 50 cents a piece, and laundry detergent (Tide, Wisk etc.) were only $1-$2 each.   Meats were bought in bulk packages, on sale at a 50-70% discount, and were promptly separated and stowed away in the deep freezer.  No, I am not knocking down walls to make room for the new merchandise arriving daily, but by the same account, I don't need to buy shampoo, toothpaste or deodorant for at least a year.  And for the first time EVER in my home, we are not out of food.  I can honestly go into the fridge or freezer and make a meal on any given day.

It's truly... freeing. 

On the surface, nothing has really changed.  My kids will still whine that there's nothing good to eat, but now I can give them choices of what we do have. I will be able to offer the kids in the neighborhood more than just flavored pops in the summer, and impromptu lunches with friends will not involve a hurried rush through the grocery store in an effort to secure something, anything, to offer them for lunch.  Almost Hubs will still randomly decide to treat us to dinner out, but it won't be for lack of availability. And, I will be able to fend off the PMS crazed hormones with healthy amounts of chocolate instead of waging war with all of the ones I love the most. 

All of that, from couponing.  Who knew?


For other great ideas... scroll back up and click Christie's big blue button. Feel free to link up and share your own ideas. 
 If you have any questions or specific things about couponing that I may have learned, feel free to email me... also, check your dollar stores for health and beauty products, they routinely sell name brands like Tylenol, Suave and Gillette deodorants, shampoos, Ajax and Palmolive dish detergent, kitchen cleaners etc. for $1. 

Memorial Day Revisited...

I thought I'd post an oldie from back when only 6 people read my blog.

Ironically, the weather's the same, as is the neighborhood, and of course...

....the message.

Enjoy!

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Sunday.

A perfect dry 80 degree breeze softly blows the sheers hung from my bedroom windows open, spreading a warm glow of sunshine throughout my bedroom. Sundays are my weekend now since I work every Saturday. This weekend is special though. It's Memorial Day weekend and I will actually have two days off in a row. As I lay awake listening to the neighborhood sounds out side my window, I take a moment to enjoy the quiet. And, the not so quiet.

The weekend warriors are down along with half their families, bringing many new cars parked wherever there's free space. Tents are pitched on lawns, and the kids are up and out extra early running from house to tent in their bare feet and pjs. Lawnmowers start before 8am, probably with the hopes of getting it over with so the majority of the day can be enjoyed relaxing with beer in hand. The smell of bacon starts to permeate the neighborhood. I love summertime.

As 9 am approaches, the neighborhood posse invades my house, and the rent-a-hubby and I decide to get ambitious with yard projects. Hours later, the bushes have been trimmed for the first time in five years, the lawn mowed, flowerbeds weeded and mulched, plants transplanted, and a game plan for the next nice weekend has been established. Elsewhere in the hood, the grills have started up and the smell of campfires and propane fill the air. The boys, armed with Popsicles, are now terrorizing the neighborhood on bicycles. Countless hot dogs, brats, and burgers will be consumed over the next two days, and countless more soda and beer. As I rest on the couch, my out of shape body screaming a reminder of my real age, the kids dash in from the neighbors, faces smeared with s'mores, begging to camp out overnight next door.

Sunday seems to perpetually loop into Monday with more of the same, except we threw in a week's worth of laundry, and an "On Demand" movie break. Around 4 o'clock I decide that we'll brave the roads and head out to get the boy's desperately needed hair cuts. Sick from the fumes of gas grills and fearing my children may actually turn into a hot dog, we decided to stop at McDonald's for a quick and easy dinner. After all, what's more American than a Happy Meal? It's the perfect combination of fast and easy, with a bit of shameless exploitation of unhealthy eating habits promoted by free toys. We pull into the parking lot, (Because I'm feeling fancy and think we'll dine in tonight) and I see what's been missing from my perfect weekend.

Sitting on the tailgate of his truck is a a man. No more than twenty, in full Army camo, sitting quietly with his girlfriend eating his "All American" dinner.

In all the hustle and bustle of getting things done, the craziness of family reunions, and the insanity of traffic, the meaning had been lost. Of all the people I spoke to, all the people I saw in and out of Wal Mart and the grocery store, no one seemed to have remembered why we were all home today "celebrating" with our families. Instead, many were griping about how the liqueur store was closed, or that the transfer station would be a zoo tomorrow. And now, sitting here in front of me was this boy, barely a man, who was willing to sacrifice his tomorrows, so we could throw another burger on the grill or crack open another cold one.

I have been so fortunate to have had very few of my loved ones in the military. And, even more fortunate to have never lost anyone during their tour. I have known no deep seeded sorrow of a loved one lost, or have personally lived through an act of terror. Never the less, I cry every time I hear the "Star Spangled Banner" and was so moved by visit to Ground Zero last year, that I had to leave the memorial. I have no idea why the sight of this man sitting on his tailgate made me pause, or why I had this overwhelming need to thank him. I did not know him, and would probably never see him again, but I needed to thank him. I wanted to tell him that some of us have not forgotten all the lives that have been lost, and that as strong as I am, I could never do what he does. I wanted to tell him how proud I was of him, how amazing I think he is, and how appreciative I am of all that he has sacrificed.

But instead, my eyes welled up, I ushered my children into the restaurant, and as we sat and ate, we talked. I talked to them about why they were off from school today. I spoke of all the brave men and women who fought to make sure that we could have all the things we do today. We spoke of their great grandfather, who got married and the next day was shipped out for four years to fight during WWII.

As we finished our meal and headed out to our car, the solider had left.

I was not able to tell him all the thoughts that rambled through my head. He would never know how much his presence impacted my day. My life.

So I will say it here.

To every soldier,

here and gone,

"Thank You".

Saturday Snippets...

Almost Hubs and the boys got me one of those musical cards for Mother's Day.

But it isn't musical.

Instead, it screams at you.

The voice recording is two children screaming "You're Awesome!"

Which I am of course.  But you know what's more awesome?  Hanging it on the freezer.  Then, when Almost Hubs and I goes for ice cream for a late night snack, the motion of the door opens the card, and gives loud unexpected positive reinforcement.

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We have officially  skipped over spring this year and headed straight into summer.  Yes, the weeks of drizzly days and nightly thunderstorms have given way to 80+ heat and 98% humidity. The weekend warriors are back this weekend opening up their "summer homes" and creating welcome chaos in the neighborhood. See, the weekend warriors have kids, and they play with my kids.  Which means that I may have a shot at having maybe an hour one day when the kids can occupy themselves.  We also bought a totally wicked awesome basketball hoop, and the freezer is stocked with popsicles, 'nuff said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am allowing the kids to Tye dye on Sunday. 

Outside. 

Pray for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to take the last day of school of from work due to some after school programs being closed.  So, the boys asked if they could have some friends over.  I said sure, why not right?  I have 6 kids coming to the house. 

Six. 

Good thing I've been Extreme Couponing and now have a healthy hoard of ice cream, popsicles, and hot dogs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have very few things left to do for the wedding.  One of them is the flower garlands for the train.  I've been delaying this because I will have to once again, wage war with my glue gun.

We are not friends.

It is a nasty, bitter battle, fraught with much gasping and muttered curse words.

In the end, the glue gun always wins.

80 feet of flower garland, complete with ribbon and white lights.

Bring on the blisters.

Dear Almost Hubs...

To My Almost Husband,

I sit here tonight clicking away on the keyboard, staring at the gigantic pile of clothes you left on the end of the bed.  Clothes, still on the hanger, removed in one swift movement, from your old house, to our new home.  Your new home.  And, while I would love for them to not be on the end of the bed, or in a pile on the floor, I am comforted to know that they are here, finally. And also relieved that there's not as much as I thought there would be.  I gave up my only closet for you. In return, you bought me a portable one, because that's how you roll.

It's been a long, long journey to get us to where we are.  A point, in truth, I thought we'd never make it to.  I think back to all the nights that you'd come over after the boys had gone to bed.  After a late night of movies, you'd make the 40 minute trek back to your place, only to get up at 5:20 AM and make the trek back into work the next day.  Some days you'd get up early, buy milk, and leave it on my doorstep.  It was your way of making sure I had what I needed, without interfering with my morning with the boys.  After a while, when things started to come together with us as a family, and your Mom got sick, I thought there was no way you could make this work.  Somehow, you did. Looking back, I guess you'd have done anything for us, if only I'd asked.

Looking forward, I know you still will.   

You have sat up endless nights with me, rubbing my back when I've eaten something I shouldn't have.  You've worried more than necessary about every court proceeding, drop off and pick up, and random run in with the ex. You call to see how my day's going when you get wind of a bad day in the office, and although it may not seem like it when I'm cutting you off mid sentence, I do love it that you think to call.  I just want to make it home alive, and talking on my cell phone while delivering mail with traffic whizzing by at 50 mph isn't the best way to do that.  You have taught me patience, and have a way of making me believe that somehow it will all work out.

You indulge every crazy whim I have, every delusion of grandeur, and dream I've ever had, with only minimal mocking. You have tackled endless projects, taken many for the team, and stopped me dead in my tracks when I've headed for disaster.  You've embraced my family, are raising the boys like they were your own, and even clean up after the cat. We have both seen both sides of 40 pounds, yet somehow our bodies still just seem to fit together perfectly.  We've had our share of sickness and health, and experienced as much suburban adventure as the law allows.

We have together, perfected the art of being dangerously unexciting. And no one, I mean no one, can watch grass grow, or paint dry,  like you can. Truly, It's a gift.  You have forced me to slow down, get out of my comfort zone, and lose control.  You revel in my rare days sitting on the couch, watching TV, and eating pudding.  You have taught me not to compromise, and while you'll never tell me I can't buy the chocolate Levian Diamond necklace, you'll cause me to pause long enough to leave it in the store. 

You make me laugh, even when I don't want to. 

You've made me cry, sad and happy tears.

You've made me question things I never thought I would, and believe in things I did not think were possible.

There was nothing missing in my life.  No hole in my soul, no "something else" to feel complete.  My life was happy and filled with great things. Like German chocolate cake, with the most decadent of chocolate frosting, raspberries within the layers of ganache, and shaved chocolate on top. And then you came along, adding the hand dipped strawberries, and dollops of whipped cream. You didn't complete me. You made me better.

Still, here I sit.  Staring at the pile of clothes at the end of the bed, and the random bag that accompanies it that contains your shampoo, shaving cream, and a silver necklace and cross that I've never seen before.  And, while I have no idea how I'll sleep tonight if you don't get around to sorting through them and putting them away, I know that those clothes are just where they need to be.

I love you,

Welcome home.

Sewing Out Of My Box...

I am not your conventional sewing diva.

There are no massive hoards of fabric in my home. 

No projects for later, no sewing task left undone.

Even clothes that need to be hemmed or taken in, go in a specific place on the floor area in the closet for a sewing day later on.

I have sewn since I was 5 or 6, and the entire contents of my fabric collection consists of left over pieces of fabrics from projects in case of repair, and fits into ONE under bed storage box.  Yes.  One.  In 30 years of sewing.

I am the type who designs things in my head, then to paper, then heads to the fabric store and usually gets pissed when I can't find just the right thing.    So, when I was killing time the other day in the fabric store and saw this on clearance in the home decor department.....

I felt this overwhelming urge to bring it home. 

I had no idea what I was going to do with it, or how much I would need for my little project, but there I stood, happily telling the sales clerk I would take two yards.

As I strolled the store with my newly acquired treasure, I started matching it to other fabrics in the store. Ironically, one of which was the fabric that I made my wedding dress from... and the game was on.

Patterns were bought.  Coordinating colors were sought out.  Zippers were selected.

Arriving home, I utilized the left over wedding fabric and got started on the top...

Not a bad start, but not a perfect match. Not deterred, I moved on to the skirt, and after a quick size up, attached the two together...

It needed... something... Ribbon!

Better, but still not just right.  It needed something a bit more...couture... Ribbon loops!

And maybe some custom flowers and buds...

Well, maybe not the buds...

As the hours wore on, it started coming together in my head as well as in my hands.  Not so much for my kitchen, as my creative genius is quite messy...

The finished dress is completely lined, and the hem has 1 inch horsehair braid within the seam to add a bit of puffiness, eliminating the need for a petticoat in August.  Here's the finished product... ironed and ready for my niece to wear at the wedding...

Not so bad for a girl with no direction or plan.

Now, for matching accessories...

....because she may be six, but she's quite the fashion diva.

How To Tuesday... Mastering The Caulk...

This Tuesday I've decided to give you the most valuable How-To of a home owner's repertoire. 

Mastering the Caulk.

Know that nasty stain that runs around the tub between the surround and the tub?  The one that no matter how much you scrub it, will not come out? It's because the mildew has gotten under the caulk.  The only way to get rid of it is to remove it and start over. 

Got an older an older house? Built in 1946, my home has settled in, and the door casings don't quite match any longer.  Oh, and then there's all the crown moulding I tried to install without knowing what the heck I was doing. Anyway, when the pieces just don't quite meet up all nice and snug, this is when you master the caulk.

Don't be scared, it's really quite easy.  Gone are the days of needing large caulking gun and random tubes.  It now comes in a variety of vessels, including one that squirts out like spray cheese.  I chose the resealable hand squeeze type, mainly because it cleans up easily with water.

First, find your target site....

Next, squeeze the caulk into the cracks, applying it in a line going in one direction....

Then smooth the excess out.  You can use any one of the multiple tools on the market, but I prefer my fingers...

Wipe away any more excess with a damp paper towel. 

Let set for a minimum of 24 hours.  Lightly sand down any left over bumps and irregularities.  Paint, and enjoy your handy work.

For a tub, scrape out the existing caulk around the tub.  Clean surface well.  Squeeze a clean line of new caulk in it's place.  Let set a minimum of 24 hours before use. 

It takes a little bit of work, but in no time at all you'll be Master of the caulk.  But please, don't post "Mastering The Caulk" as your status on Face Book.  For some reason, it's been causing a bit of confusion.

*sigh*

Sickos.

As always, participating in How To Tuesdays over at Christie's...

Click the button to find out how to do all kinds of things.

Rambling On, And On, and on...

I wore makeup all day on Saturday, but Jesus stood me up anyway.

Isn't that just like a guy?

The rapture was planned, with billboards even to remind him, on the 21st.  I got all dolled up, and nothin'!

Maybe next year...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost Hubs: "Know why there's so many immigrants that are named Tony?"
Me: "Why?"
Almost Hubs: "Because they couldn't speak English, so when their families put them on the boat for Ellis Island, they had them wear name tags that said TO: N.Y."

Sadly, it took me a while to determine whether this was a bad joke or in part some truth.  Ironically, I think it's a bit of both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The song You Are My Sunshine is a family favorite around here.  My sister, mother, and I have all sung it to our babies.  We still like it despite the fact that it was written by a prison inmate to his lady on the outside.  I try not to think about this as I sing the second verse...

"I'll always love you, and make you happy,

If you would only stay the same.

But if you leave me to love another,

You'll regret it all one day..."

I'm pretty sure Sunshine was involved in a co-dependant controlling relationship.  But maybe she liked it like that, who knows. But, I'm thinking if she gains weight or cheats, he's putting a hit out from the inside...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Youngest and Almost Hubs absconded for a man's movie weekend marathon.  I took Oldest to the Pottery Place for some artistic fun.  My mother joined us since it was family day, so the normal $6 per person was reduced to a $12 studio fee.  She painted a frog, Oldest did a gift for his teacher, and a football trophy.  I decided on a popcorn bowl, and in true fashion totally miscalculated the time it would take to properly execute my design.  They will be fired this week, and I'll post pictures of our masterpieces when they come home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My baby sister turns 35 tomorrow.  I don't know how that's possible since I am not a day over 32.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our Vegas adventure has been planned out.  As in, we've discussed what we want to do, looked at the cost, have scrapped the majority of it, and resolved to fly by the seat of our pants when we get there.

We are not fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants people.

At all.

I'll be booking the Chris Angel show tonight, the rest can just fall or not fall into place.  Truth be told, we could spend the entire time between the hotel's spa, pool, and room, and I'd be the happiest newly wed ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My niece's dress is almost done.  I just have to fit the top to her before I attach the skirt.  It's very cute, and very out of my design box.  I'll be posting pictures of that as soon as it's done as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost Hubs has declared that he's moved in.  He changed his mailing address for EBay, so I guess it's official now.  He's taken the last two weekends off from all home improvement projects, and is elated at the tiny specks of baby grass that has appeared in the backyard.

I'm trying to control my excitement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's supposed to be in the 70's this week.  Overcast, but still warm. 

I. Am. So. Ready.


 

Truth Is Thursday...

Truth is... I really wanted to take Oldest to The Paint Bar this weekend.  I'm bummed it's sold out. I probably shouldn't spend the money anyway.

Truth is... I spent the entire day doing wedding stuff yesterday.  13 weeks and counting...

Truth is... I need to invest in a good pair of Spanx.  I just don't have it in me to lose those last ten pounds.

Truth is... I got all the fabric for my niece's dress. I am hoping to get it done on Sunday.

Truth is... It probably won't get finished, I'm sure I'll be distracted by something shiny.

Truth is... I'm loving this grocery couponing experiment.  My fridge has never been so well stocked.

Truth is... The rain forecasted for the next ten days, sucks. Period.

Truth is... I think my smart phone is smarter than me.

Truth is... I'm thinking on taking the boys to see Rio tomorrow. Movie popcorn mixed with M&Ms is a healthy dinner right?

No More Blogging Before Bed...

645 am and the ninjas are already waging war and plotting technical attacks in the living room.
What?

This doesn't happen in your home?

Oh, not before nine?  Good. To. Know.

I can drive almost any vehicle.  Steering wheel on the right, left, doesn't matter.  Mirror, no mirror, brakes, no brakes... no problem.  I can drive a stick, actually, I prefer it.  I have driven trucks, moving vans, sports cars, even gerbil powered machines. I can even drive a left hand drive car, from the right side.  I drive for a minimum of 6 hours a day, six days a week. I have had two accidents in 20 years, both minor.

So why am I plagued by dreams of not being able to control a car?

Seriously, not being able to stop? Driving into cranberry bogs, down cliffs, even launching myself Dukes 'O Hazard style off the side of a building?

I also have had frequent dreams that I am running around topless, and that NO ONE notices.  I haven't gone without a bra since I was 12.  TWELVE people.  I'm sure that if I ever did, I'd injure myself or others within close proximity.  But yet, there I am, set free for all the world to see.  And, do you think my subconscious would make them smaller and perky? Hell no!  They are just as they are now, way to big for my body, and with the wear and tear of two well fed boys.

Then there's the dream when Almost Hubs leaves for one of his old girlfriends.  I know in real life he's not going anywhere.  I mean come on?  Who wouldn't want me and my obsessive crazy life?  He's totally sucked in by my Juli factor, I get that.  But I still have these dreams that he's left for another.

Weird.

And yet, last night I had all three of these reoccurring dreams together.

And, I'm sure that it has nothing to do with four of my pen pals posting about their re-occurring dreams.

Nothing.

That's it. 

No more blogging before bed.

How To Tuesday... The Birds & Bees...

The other day as I was cleaning the house, I was contemplating what the heck goes on when I'm at work on Saturday what I would blog about on Tuesday. Then, while watering the plants, I found it...

The art teacher at my children's school is fantastic.  She teaches all mediums, and discovers artistic genius in every child, regardless of the skill.  So this week, I thought I'd post something that everyone could do... AND it's not really messy or expensive. 

Really.

So here's what 'cha need...

Clay... we use model magic since it's not as wet, and dries over night.
Plastic... hit the recycle bin of the house
Google Eyes, Wire for the antenna... use twist ties or paperclip if that's all you have
Feathers... the ones that fall out of the down comforter work great
Permanent Markers... I'm a Sharpie addict.
Wooden Skewers... bag of 50 from the dollar store.

And.... A kid's imagination.

For the bugs...

Roll colors of clay together to create colorful bodies, start with a log style piece for the body, then stick a round ball on the end for the head.  Press in, or thread through, the wire antenna, and press the google eyes into place.  Occasionally, the eyes won't stick. If that happens, wait until it's dry and glue them in with regular old Elmer's glue.  The wings can be made by cutting small ovals out of clear plastic, then coloring patterns on with Sharpie marker. We used over head projector paper, but you could use any plastic out of your recycle bin.  Stick the wings into place.  Lastly, stick the bamboo skewer in the base of your bug.

To make the bird...

Roll a small log form out of clay.  Pinch the end off of one side, and manipulate until it resembles a beak.  Next, flatten out the other end to resemble the tail.  Cut small slits in the "tail" to give the illusion of feathers.  Then, insert some fluffs of feathers for the wings, and draw in the details of the eyes.  You can also use google eyes, or sharpie markers for definition.  Attach to skewer on the bottom and let dry.

Once dry, they'll make the perfect accessory to your favorite plants.  I have found that they add some unexpected color to my all green "kill proof" Ivy and spider plants.  We have also given small plants as house warming gifts when money was really tight and added these "bugs" into the foliage for an extra personal touch.

And if all else fails, it's an afternoon well spent with the kids.

For more fabulous ideas visit Christie over at her place....



Go ahead...Click the button, you know you want to...

Coming Full Circle....

Youngest announced to his entire class today that Almost Hubs gets me flowers "all the time" and not even when it's my birthday or when he's in trouble.  Seems Almost Hubs is a bit of a positive influence. This is a good thing, as I finally got to read the completed report from the probate department, and while Oldest seems to be understanding all that I'm trying to do for him, (you can see my post about that here if you missed it... seems blogger decided to eat it....) he also threw me under the bus twice. Really.  I get away with nothing.

Things have been a bit crazy here for a while. I am happy to report that as of Sunday most things seem to have found their ending of sorts.

The giant pile of wood in the garage...

Became the fence....

...and was adorned with flowers.  I actually remembered to file the receipt away in case they all die next year.  Seems the 1 year guarantee is only good with the receipt.

The car that needed to go...

... finally went.  My friend bought it for her teenage son.  I will miss the old girl, but I am loving the extra space in the driveway.

The back lawn has been ripped up, laid with new top soil, and seeded....

The flowerbeds have been planted and mulched.  What is left of the giant pile of dirt that was once in front of my garage is now contained within the confines of the tarp, and will hopefully be removed over the weekend.  As all that separates me now from parking within the garage is about 1.5 yards of loam.  I have escaped watering as it has been raining for days, but Almost Hubs is already patrolling his new "lawn".
The bathroom crown moulding and baseboards are done, I'm just waiting to paint.

Almost Hubs was thrilled he has no projects to do. 

I am giving him a few weeks off before we start building out the unfinished side of the basement for Youngest's new bedroom.

Shh... don't tell.

And the circle will start all over again...

One Mailbox At A Time...

One day a year I do not complain about working.

Yesterday was it.

I came home aching, sore, tired and fulfilled.

Don't get me wrong, I do like my job, but most days I come home lacking the fulfillment part. Yesterday was National Stamp Out Hunger Day.  The one day a year, that I don't deliver bad news, bills, and foreclosure notices, but rather pick up hope and comfort for families in need.  Even if it's one can of green beans, a jar of peanut butter, or a box of gravy, it is extra nutrition for a child in need.

It is the one day I am proud to work for the post office.

Yet, it still amazes me when the day is met with whining, and complaints.  There are still people who refuse to send out the reminder cards, remark about how "We're not paid to do that", or even gripe about the people getting the hand out. 

HELLO?

The people on welfare and food stamps don't use the food pantries, they march themselves into the grocery store and buy whatever their heart desires that week.  The people that do utilize this service, are hard working families that usually don't qualify for assistance. They work, pay all their bills, keep the roof over their head, and just need a little extra help supplementing their pantry.  Most don't even get a lot, just what they need.

What also amazes me is who donates.  It is almost never the ones who can afford it.  A large amount of elderly donate, as well as the ones who most likely can't afford to donate. You should see what I picked up from the 55+ mobile park. I guarantee it was more than I picked up from the $600K home neighborhood.

*sigh*

But even all that, does not put a damper on the sight of the boy scout troop standing on the loading dock, eagerly awaiting to unload all the trucks as they come in.  These boys work hard, unloading, sorting, and delivering thousands of pounds of food. (Last year they personally unloaded approximately 10 thousand pounds of food off the dock)  Without even a wince or whine. Last year, the Stamp Out food drive resulted in 77 million, yes, million pounds of food nation wide. Knowing that someone will have a "no questions asked" meal tonight makes me feel a huge sense of pride that could never come from delivering the mail.

Some of our carriers could learn a lesson from these boys.

So for all of you who donated,

Thank You.

As always, you made my day...

...as well as the day for thousadnds of others.

My Day In Court...

I am tired. 

Tired of taking days off for this. 

Tired of having to prove that kids cost money to raise. 

Trying to prove that I am, despite my dislike for their father, a good mother.

At some point after the boys interview yesterday, I sat down and wrote exactly what I wanted the judge to hear.  Every detail, from the beginning to now.  I have long since stopped getting prepared for court sessions, but that little voice inside me said to do it this time, and NO ONE argues with the little voice anymore.  So I did.  I recanted all of the last 8 years of child support payments, and lack there of, in the form of a two page letter that I could recite to the judge.

When the moment came, I had more information regarding my case than the State's lawyer. Which was good, since I do not receive any support from the state, and they can not pursue it any further at this time. After hearing from probate and the State's attorney, they moved on to me. I read what I had written, clear and loud, into the microphone, the phonics of which have been set up strangely enough like that of a movie set.  I sited multiple facts that I could easily prove with documentation, that would poke holes in his well rehearsed poor-me routine.  I closed with this...

"I am owed an excess of $3,000 in medical expenses, have taken multiple days off from work, for which, twice I have awarded reimbursement for, and never seen a dime.  I am not asking you to address any of that.  But after 17 times on this matter of child support, he has never even gotten a slap on the wrist.  He is in direct violation of the previous Judge's order, and I'm asking for accountability.  If he sits his 30 days in jail, perhaps it will be long enough for him to realize how important paying his child support is.  If he is purged, then I will receive the much needed financial relief that will catch me up from the long, very expensive, cold winter."

She then heard his arguments, and my rebuttal.

And, found him in contempt again. 

He was hauled away in hand cuffs.

You would think that I'd be happy right now.  Instead I am sad.  Yes, he needs to know that this is not a joke.  Yes, he is getting the consequences that he deserves for putting his own issues and concerns ahead of his children.  But, this is not what I wanted.  I want him to be financially responsible for his boys.  I want him to be a positive influence, and be engaged with their childhood experiences. Youngest is half way to becoming an adult, and all he's learned so far from his Dad is that he's unreliable and irresponsible.  But, if he works the timing just right, he can get him to buy him stuff.  Oldest has learned that Dad lies, and bails-out when it is his turn to visit.  His visit, which just happens to be in two weeks, that his father will, most likely, not be at.  It's just sad.

And, after a brief conversation with his girlfriend, the one he doesn't live with or drive her truck...yet had the keys to the house and truck in his pocket when they hauled him off, I can say that this relationship is not a healthy one either.  Her brief lecture on how I should utilize the state's health plan, lends me to believe that she's never supported herself without a government funded program.

If the purge amount is paid ($5,000) he will be out within a matter of hours.  The money will be helpful in getting what needs to be taken care of for the boys, as well as add a safety net for the upcoming time I will lose from work coordinating their education plans for next year. But, from whose pocket it will come?  I have no idea.  I believe that he doesn't have a lot of money, what I don't believe is that he never had even $20 to send to DOR. 

I feel bad that this is the life he has chosen for himself, even stated that in court today.  But, I have had to make choices too, both for myself and the boys. Some of them have been very hard to swallow and abide by, but I did it.... for them.

Perhaps, after 30 days, he will make some better choices....

...ones that can lead him to being a more responsible, positive influence with his kids.

A Moment Of Hope...

It's not often as parents that we get glimpses into how we are doing. 

Today my boys had their family probate interview.  The judge who over sees our divorce case wants to know how the boys feel about their visits with their father.  The probate officer came to the house, interviewed the boys separately, while I surfed the net in another room, looking for a word program for my new computer.  I always try not to listen, as I feel the boys should be able to speak their minds.  And, in the end, I know what I've been telling the judge all along is the truth, and that eventually my boys will convey that.

During a lull in the dishwasher cycle, I caught one answer.  While I didn't know the question, Oldest's repose was "Mom likes it when we go to our Dad's because she gets to get some errands done, and she knows it makes us happy to see him. She wants us to be happy."

It was at that moment that I realized all the time spent on this roller coaster with my ex, screaming, feeling sick, closing my eyes and hoping it will be over soon, was well spent.  My son understands, and can convey, that the reason I am fighting this battle with his father so that when he visits him, he will be safe and happy.

While my nerves are still wrenching from the impending follow-up court appearance tomorrow, this little bit of revelation brings me hope.  My ex may not serve the jail time he should have coming tomorrow.  He may, once again, get away with his antics.  And, while my sons both know who their father really is and love him despite what he does, I know that my continual fight for them is worth it.

They know I give them structure.

They know about accountability and discipline.

I tirelessly fight for them.

And, it's all worth it.

Random Thoughts Tuesday, How-To Style...

Well, it' Tuesday. 

And I'm random.

So I'll combine my normal How-To excerpts with some of the randomness that is my life to bring you this spectacular post.

OK, maybe not spectacular.  Mediocre at best.  Moving on...

How-To Bang Your Head Into A Wall....

1. Marry the wrong man.
2. Have two children with him.
3. Allow the court system to feed the "wrong man's" delusion of being a super parent.
4. Spend a minimum of 1 day per month attempting to prove him wrong....for the next two years.

How-To Feel Old....

1. Be given the gift of three hours with no children.
2. Stand for those three hours, bent over with your butt in the air. (mind out of the gutters people)
3. Feel proud of all the weeding, planting, and mulching you've gotten done.
4. Discover the next day the only part of your body that doesn't hurt is your right pinkie toe.

How-To Confirm Your Insanity...

1. Watch Extreme Couponing
2. Challenge yourself to get a 70% discount.
3. Become mildly obsessed.
4. Forbid anything to be bought without some sort of discount.
5. Have Almost Hubs roll his eyes, and mock your couponing strategy.
6. Have him go to the store, buy everything at full price and negate all your savings.
7. Let this fuel your challenge... GAME ON!... to be continued...  

How To Host A Court Probate Interview...

1.  Schedule it on the first day of MCAS.
2. Have the school rearrange this all important testing to accommodate your stupid mistake.
3. Spend hours cleaning the whole house, and have the kids mess it up behind you.
4. Smile, and know that your kids will totally blow the interview.
5.  Prepare to deal with the fall out at the next court session.
6. Learn to enjoy banging your head into a wall.

How To Be My Nephew...

1. Be loud and wiggly in church.
2. Attempt to launch yourself off the balcony of said church.
3. Have your mother remove you, and go sit in the car.
4. Announce that if you don't get your way, you'll "Blow boogies all over your shirt"
5. Proceed to blow said boogies.
6. Get grounded for life.

Gotta love that kid...

For actual How-To Posts, visit Christie and her peeps here...

 For more Randomness visit Stacy here....

Turns Out, He Can Hear Me...

Almost Hubs: "What do you want for Mother's day?"

Me: "I am a mother everyday.  What I really want, is to have the backyard put back together, and to go for a walk...by myself."

Almost Hubs: "Nah, I don't like those ideas.  What else ya got?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Youngest has already entered my room, declared that he's awake, and would like to know what channel he can watch on TV.  Clearly, it's just another day.  I grumble, roll over and discover that it's Sunday, and in fact, I do not have to get out of bed.  Even better, I am engulfed in an embrace, kisses grace my forehead, and I am fully awakened to the words "Happy Mother's Day. You are the best Mother ever."

Almost Hubs is often has a way with words.  I can hear now that Oldest is awake.  It seems that he was on his way to my room when he was distracted by something shinny.  He's so like his mother.  Almost Hubs emerges from bed, and heads to the kitchen where he promptly begins my breakfast in bed, sans helpers, who are now both distracted by something shinny. 

Breakfast arrives, egg and sausage burritos in a brown rice tortilla wrap, exactly to my specifications. Seems he does listen to me... he just can't remember what I say most of the time.  Enter the home made cards.  Youngest has made his yearly coupon extravaganza card, complete with free hug and chore coupons. Oldest has written me a letter.  It made me cry. 

Enter the gift.  An actual gift.  I had hinted at this for my birthday, and again at Christmas, knowing full well we really didn't have the money. I can't believe he heard me.... and remembered.  I sat there, shocked, brought to by the sound of the phone ringing... my Mom and Dad were in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by. 

After their visit, Almost Hubs ventured down to his Mom's for a quick visit, and the boys and I headed out into the over cast, chilly morning.  There were weeds to pull, flowers to plant, mulch to spread.  Oldest moved rocks, built borders for new flower beds, and raked in mulch.  Youngest supervised and played some basketball.  When Almost Hubs returned, he quickly whisked the boys out of my hair with the promise of seeing the new Thor movie. Alone time... again, he heard me... 

Three hours of peace an quiet.  No one to ask me questions, no lunches to make,  no fighting to break up.  Definitely no basketballs to dodge while working out of the garage.  I weeded, mulched, and ran edging.  When I ran out, I simply got in the car and got some more.  No one to pack up, no whining, just got in the car and went. Later in the shower, there were no knocks on the door, no threats of grounding screamed from the shower to be executed once I was out.  It. Was. Heaven.

Take out was on the menu for dinner, home made cookies for dessert.

I took a nap. 

And now, I sit here blogging from my brand new computer.   The one that has the whole keyboard and no funky "u" key that magically appears in random words.  There are no virus warnings, or memory overload issues with this computer.  Blogging has become how I relax at the end of the day. It's how I unload the best and worst of my life.  Working with the computer I had was frustrating, and he heard that.

Today as I sat quietly in my backyard, helping to put my pieces of it back together, I realized how lucky I am. Getting married the first time can be very nerve wracking. Doing it a second time, when you know full well what's at stake and how easily it can all slip away, can be daunting. And maybe that's the reason Almost Hubs does listen, and follows through.

What ever the reason, I am  very lucky.

For two beautiful boys...

...and for one wonderful man.

Sexiest Words Ever Whispered To Me...

Me: "I'm going to drop Youngest off for his visit with his father.  I'm taking Oldest.  Want to come with us?"

Almost Hubs: "Well, what are you going to do?"

Me: "Dunno.  Something fun.  Probably the mall, maybe movies. You coming?"

Almost Hubs: "Nah.  I'm gonna stay here.  I've got the laundry going..."

Sexiest. Man. Eva.

Never Discuss Religion Or Politics...

But, I will anyway...

This is Jennifer. 

She's beautiful, right?

She grew up where I live now.

She was one of the many, many victims who lost their lives in the World Trade Center attacks.  She is also one of the many, many victims who now have justice thanks to six brave men.  There is a memorial garden outside the Elementary school that she attended.  Everyday, the regular mail carrier delivers the mail to that school, sees the memorial, and is reminded of why her son is Afghanistan risking his life, for all of ours.

Personally, I am tired of seeing all of the photographs of he-who-doesn't-deserve-to-be-named on the cover of every news paper and magazine.  Why are we giving this "man" any more publicity than he has already had for the last ten years? 

Why can't we run photos of those gone, with the headline of "Finally, Justice For All."?

What gets me even more than the sensationalism of the American news media, is that people still can be heard saying... "It's all those Muslims, those "peace loving" people."

Which I of course, can't let go.  September 11th was not done by the Muslim people, it was done by Al Qaeda.  I have written about my friend long ago who is  Muslim.  I talked with her about her customs, watched her pray, and I ate lunch with her almost every day whilst her head was covered. She, and her husband, were two of the nicest, peace loving people I have ever met.  To say that this was an act perpetrated by the entire Muslim community is just unconsciously ignorant.  It's like saying that all Catholic priests are pedophiles.

*sigh*

I am an extremely spiritual person.  Born Catholic, dabbled in Baptist and Protestant, I have spent time learning and listening to all different beliefs. I love religion, it fascinates me.  The rest of my family, not so much.  They know Catholic, and that's about it.  It's not due to malice, they just are not inquisitive like myself.  This evening, I was on the phone with my sister and had the most interesting non-educated conversation ever about the Mormon religion....

Sister: "I went to a teacher appreciation dinner tonight in a Mormon church"
Me: "We have a Mormon church here?"
Sis: "Yeah, it's right in your town"
Me: (feeling like a complete idiot) "Really? Huh. I had no idea."
Sis: "Yes, well, now I don't have to go to church on Sunday."
Me: "Why?"
Sis: "Because I went to church already this week, the Mormon church, so I don't have to go."
Me: "But you're Catholic"
Sis: "Yes, but it still counts."
Me: "Whatever works for you."
Sis: "I was actually thinking of converting because they have the most well behaved, loving kids I ever seen in my life."
Me: "Well, they do have a huge sense of family and community."
Sis: "And all the families are so big."
Me: "Well some.  But I think it's more to do with the fact that they worship together, that their masses are 4 hours long every Sunday, they have a huge network of spiritual support, and they are active in sharing their experiences with people through talking and missions."
Sis: "Oh."
Me: "And then you have the whole, no alcohol, smoking, swearing, and wait for marriage thing.  So that helps keep the "usual" teenage dysfunction and pregnancy issues at bay."
Sis: "How do you know so much about the Mormon religion?"
Me: "My blog friends."
Sis: "They tell you that stuff?"
Me: "And other things too.  Oh, and their all addicted to Diet Coke."
Sis: "I could so totally be Mormon."

So there you have it my Mormon friends... spread the word... we can be converted just on the promise of Diet Coke.

-J

Disclaimer: 

Above the *sigh* is just my take on it. The Villain absolutely got what he deserved, I am not debating that one bit. I'd just rather focus on the all to short lives of the wonderful people, than  the idiot  who perpetrated the crimes. Please don't send me the hate mail.

And for my Mormon ladies... you know that below the *sigh* is in no way shape or form to poke fun at your beliefs. I love you all and find your dedication amazing.

Truth Is Thursday...

Truth is... I am embarrassed at how far behind I am in catching up with y'all. 

Truth is...  I am going to try this extreme coupon thing for two months and then report back with my findings.

• I will only buy things I need and actually use.
• Gina will not have to give me the business because I will not be buying yogurt in mass amounts unless it can be consumed within my own human abilities.
• I will not spend more than 3 hours a week preparing for a shopping trip.
• I promise to be pleasant and not shop with my fists full of coupons during peak shopping hours. So save your rolling eyes for someone else, thanks.
• I promise not to leave any barren empty metal shelves in my wake.
• I will not buy coupons to use, with the exception of the Sunday paper.

Truth is...  Almost Hubs is already staging a coupon intervention.

Truth is... My retainer may be the best night time snack deterrent ever.  Really, who wants to brush their teeth after each snack and put their retainer back in?

Truth is...  I am forcing myself to think positive about all the projects that are still yet to be done around here. I have high hopes that they will get accomplished this weekend. Positive thoughts = Positive results.

Truth is...  An old friend of mine has contacted me because she's getting divorced.  She wants some financial advice. She says.. "I'm the master". I don't know weather to be flattered or afraid.

Truth is... all I really want for mother's day is to go for a walk... by myself.

Truth is...  I have been inspired to quit my job.  No not the Post Office, that one that pays the bills. But my real job that entails all my housekeeping duties, but pays me no money or appreciation.  I am teaching the boys how to do their own laundry.  I  am hereby giving my two weeks notice on all their laundry responsibilities.

Now who will they whine to about not having their favorite shirt clean?

Extreme Coupon-ing Wanna Be...

Has anyone else seen the show Extreme Couponing?

Seriously, these people are getting hundreds of dollars worth of food for, like, 6 bucks. I must admit, I was intrigued, but when I saw the show, I couldn't help but think there was an alarming similarity to these extreme couponers and the other TLC show Hoarders.

Does any one really need 1000 tubes of tooth paste?  Really?  Even if it was free, I don't think so.  One man was using his powers for good and shopping this particular week for his family and 1000 care packages for the troops overseas.  He had $40 to spend.  He left with cash in his pocket.

Un-be-lieveable!

Now, I'm a smart girl.  And, while I'll most likely never get my $167 grocery order down to .42 cents, I started a little project of my own to see what I could save.  I started with last Sunday's paper and fishing the coupon sections out from the recycle bin.  I clipped only those coupons that we use all the time, and that would not expire before I would need to buy more (ie: tooth paste, shampoo, etc.)  Then, I moved on over to Coupons.com and printed out a few more for items we buy all the time. I even printed out the maximum coupons for the month on Udi's bread. At almost $6 a loaf, $1 off is a good savings.

Next, I looked at the weekly fliers and determined the best place to shop. Turns out, it was my regular grocery store for most items.  I did this whilst my Youngest son was doing his homework.  Seems that he doesn't actually need my help, as much as he just needs me to keep him on task.  I created my list on the back of the envelope, and corralled the coupons into the same envelope.  I made notations if I needed to buy more than 1 item or minimum sizes.  The store was also running a promotion for extra gas points, where if you buy certain items, you received extra gas points that entitled you to extra money off at the gas pump.

At the end of the night, my order was $235, due largely in part to my shopping with Almost Hubs who always loves to get extra stuff.  I paid $177.  That's a savings of around 25%.  Not that impressive, but $58 is still $58, and we have some staples that will last for a month, like brand name cereal for $2 a box. And, in combining the sales with the gas rewards, Almost Hubs saved an additional $4.50 at the pump.

But I didn't stop there....

The rest of my coupons I used at the local pharmacy.  Yip.  I went to CVS, and shopped their instant coupons, extra-bucks, and used manufacturer's coupons there as well.  The first trip through, I bought everything that would give me extra bucks back at the register.  These are coupons that print out on the receipt for use on a later purchase.  Then I went back into the store and bought everything else that was on sale that I had coupons for, and used the extra bucks. Total damage...$55..  I paid $36.  A savings of 33%.

OH, but I knew I could do better...

Post Fruity Pebbles has a coupon on the back of their boxes for free T-shirts at Old Navy. And, we eat a lot of Fruity Pebbles as they are Gluten Free and yummy. Old Navy just happened to be running a sale on the entire store, buy one get the second at 1/2 off.  And, we had a 40% coupon.  At the end of it all, the grand total was $190.  We paid $83.  We saved 56%.  That's 18 items at roughly $4 each. Half of it was for me!

Sadly, now I am hooked.  I have become that crazy dreaded woman that no one wants to stand behind at the grocery store. I am bound and determined to hit that ever elusive 70% mark. Realistically, I will never hoard food.  I am an extreme anti-hoarder and the mere thought of having 18 tubes of toothpaste freaks me out.  And, let's face it, when Youngest needs Tinactin because he never changes his socks and yet again has athlete's foot, I will inevitably just go buy the stuff, coupon or not. 

But, I have been doing some research. So for today's


I will pass along these little tips from the pros...

1. Get a Sunday Paper, look at the coupons, if you'll use them, buy another paper.
2. Shop the circulars.  Divide your trip into stores, and shop when you're in the neighborhood (no use wasting gas)
3. Take advantage of in store promotions, gas perks, cash back, visa gift cards, etc.
4. Use the coupons that print out with your receipt
5. Pay attention to quantities, buy one more if you'll get another coupon at the register for it.
6. Don't buy things that will expire before you consume them. One person can only eat so much yogurt.
7. Shop where they double manufacturer coupons.
8. Coupons.com or other coupon web sites are great, but make sure that your anti virus is up to date, too many of these sites can invite computer trouble.
9. Go to the manufacturer directly.  Need a coupon for Science Diet Cat food? Click on SD, more than likely you'll find one.
10. Take customer service surveys.  They'll give you at least 10% off your whole order, and you'll make the cashier's day.
11. Clip out the coupons on the inside of the boxes, they're usually good for a year or more.
12. Use the store's frequent shopper card.
13. Shop with a buddy and split the quantities.  
14. Look at the meat department for missed deals.  The split ribs are packaged at $4.69 lb, but the whole rack is just $1.67.  Ask the butcher to split it for you and save $3 per lb. 
15. Ask for a rain check if they're out.  There's nothing better than getting hamburger for $1.29lb when everyone else is paying $2.39.
16. Combine manufacturer's coupons with Store coupons and promotions.

There you have it...

Some tips to get us all started down the road to obsessive saving.  I must admit, saving money (without cheating the system) is a bit of a high for me. And, as an added bonus, I usually have to shop by myself so I can concentrate, or at the very most, with only one "helper". 

Sadly, grocery shopping has become my favorite "me" time?

Seriously, what has happened to my life?

-J

Going Postal... Tales From The Window...

For those that may not already know, Almost Hubs and I work for the post office.  While most days I can be found wandering from mailbox to mailbox, happily delivering this week's daily dose of nonprofits and "not to be missed" sales of the century to every home along my route, Almost Hubs can be found happily servicing customers from the postal window of one of our branch offices.

Almost Hubs is very good at his job.  I won't bore you with the details of his extra responsibilities, because at the end of the day... he sells stamps. People come from all over to buy stamps from him and mail out their extremely urgent priority packages because they love him of the fabulous customer service he gives out five days a week.  As with any job, the monotony can become very overwhelming. So, he tries to keep his day entertaining, at the very least, to him....

"Will this letter go out today?"
looking at the letter, noting the address...
"Hm, this is the next town over, they only go out on Tuesday."

And, they believe him, for a short time, until he explains that every letter goes out every day.  In delivering this fabulously comical service, he encounters all kinds of people.  People that don't always speak clearly...

"Anything fragile, liquid, hazardous, or perishable?"
"No, it's jus sum books n fresh cock."
"Excuse me?"
"Books and fresh cock."
*looks around for the cameras* "What?"
"You no... fresh cock... they have da wurd on da side, then da pictua on da bak?"
*thinking* "You mean flash cards?"
"Yea, that's what I say, fresh cock."

Sometimes language is not the issue....

The post office hasn't made non-adhesive stamps in ten years. They are all sticky back stamps, regardless of if it's one stamp, or a roll.  So, when Almost Hubs sells one stamp, he scans the bar code, takes the stamp, sticks it on the end of his finger, and hands it to the customer.  The customer then sticks the stamp to their own finger, positions the envelope...

...LICKS THE STAMP...

..and proceeds to stick it on the envelope.

Really?  It's a sticker people.  Licking is not necessary.

Then there was this man, who came into a different branch office carrying a peach notification slip.  He wanted to pick up his certified letter for which the notice had been left.

"I'd like to pick up this letter."
"Okay, box number?"
"No, it's a street address."
"Well we only have PO boxes here.  Where is the street and I'll tell you which office to go to."
Man rambles off his street address
"I'm not familiar with that, what town is it in?"
"Boston"
(Boston is an hour away)
"Um, sir, you have to go to your office and pick that up."
"Why?"
"Because that is where the actual letter is, I can't just make it appear here."
Oh, Okay."

Seriously, this guy has licked way too many stamps in his lifetime....