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| Full disclosure: Car was clearly not in motion while picture taking, Hello? It's the New York Tolls. Also, this is the way back, as I was not awake enough during the ride down to have the where with all to document any of it. |
When I was a kid, if we went anywhere it was in the car. Two trips to Florida, caravan style, with aunts, great aunts/uncles, and grandparents, with three CB radios between us, hopefully avoiding the trucker channel so as not to confuse them with our "handles". There was no GPS then, only a map and really good eyesight to catch the road side signs whizzing past you at 65 mph. Short cuts to New Hampshire often ran through Maine, and we fast became masters in the art of "holding it". Mom would heat up chocolate chip cookies on the dash of the truck, then pass the warm gooey chocolate-ness through the teeny window to the truck bed, where dad had built and bolted down, a wooden seat for three, complete with seat belts, for the 1200 mile trip. Yup. Totally safe. And totally awesome.
So how could I not give my kids the same opportunity that I had growing up? It's like a right of passage, this road tripping thing. The car was packed, reservations made, destination: Virginia. 560 some odd miles, 9 hours and some change.
And so, it starts....
(3am)
Meeting the parents at Walmart off the expressway
Tony: "Why do you always come in this way?"
Me: "So I can see the whole parking lot."
Tony: "It's 330 in the morning, I'm betting we'll find them pretty easy."
Me: "It's what I do. Leave me alone."
Tony: "See, they're right there."
Me: "Stop poking me."
(4-ish)
Oldest: "What state are we in?
Me: "Massachusetts."
*he settles in for a nap*
Me: "Tony, stop poking me."
(4:45-ish)
Oldest: "What state are we in?"
Tony: "Rhode Island."
Oldest: "So that's Boston?"
Tony: "Nice, Chico...nice."
*sigh* Make mental note to question exactly what he's learning in geography.
(5-ish)
Dad calls from his car: "We need to stop at the next service station."
Me: "Okay, just use your blinkers."
Dad: "I wasn't using my blinkers?"
Me: "Not really."
Dad: "Oh. Am I driving to fast?"
Mom: "Tell him YES!"
~Pee break, then inhale snack-age, then get back on the road~
Youngest: "What state are we in?"
Me: "Connecticut"
Youngest: "How many more?"
Me: "Like 6 or 7"
Youngest: "He's sleeping on me"
Me: "Oldest, sleep to your left"
*grumble, moves pillow to the window*
Me: "Tony, stop poking me while I'm driving."
(6am)
GPS: "Drive over the Tapan Zee Bridge"
(later) Dad: "You know that's the most dangerous bridge in the country. They're building a whole new one to the side. It's really dangerous."
Me: "Should we not have gone over it?"
Dad: "Nah, it's fine."
(7-ish)
Me: "Stop touching your brother. Make a fort with your blanket or something, but stop touching each other."
Tony: "You might have been on to something wanting Youngest in the back row."
*eye roll, ya think?*
Entrance to the Jersey Turnpike. It's rainy, the windows are steamy and it's still somewhat dark...
Me: "There's no one here. Am I in the right lane, they all said EZ pass? What do I do?"
*drives through*
Tony: "I think you were supposed to take a ticket."
Crap.
GPS: "Drive 27 miles on the New Jersey Turnpike."
Reading the road signs:
Me: "What is "The Oranges"? You think it's like West Orange, North Orange, South Orange?"
Tony: "Probably. Pretty soon We'll be coming up on the strawberries..."
Me: "The Big Apple.*snicker* You know it's fun to make fun of signs going down, but the way back it will probably suck."
Tony: "I know, we'll be like "Damn... we're only at the oranges.... wahhhhhh..."
Me: "Or worse, LOOK, the Georgia peach! Oh GAWD!! We're going the WRONG WAY!!"
(8ish)
GPS: "Drive 57 miles on the New Jersey Turnpike
Tony: "We are going to need to stop for lunch."
Me: "I figured that, but I packed sandwiches in case we opted to hit a rest stop and keep going."
Tony: "You made me a sandwich?"
Me: "Yup"
Tony: "What kind?"
Me: "Ham and Swiss cheese with mayo."
Tony: "You did? You're just the best. Did you pack me a Thermos of coffee too?"
Me: "No."
Tony: "That's it. Forget it. You're a failure."
GPS: "Drive (another) 27 miles on the New Jersey Turnpike."
Me: "For the love of GAWD! This state is only like this (holds fingers up) big! How can we possibly drive this for over a hundred miles???"
Tony: "I wonder what it's going to cost us with no ticket."
Me: "It's Jersey... maybe $50 bucks? $20 maybe?"
(Turns out $13.85... such a deal)
(9-ish) *Waves hello to NYC in the distance*
Oldest: "What state are we in?"
Me: "Delaware"
Oldest: "How many more states to we have?"
Me: "I have no idea."
*sigh*
Me: "Tony, DO NOT poke the driver."
(10ish)
Me: "Do you find it ironic that the Correctional Facility is located off the Society Road exit?"
Tony: "It says so much"
Me: "Welcome to Maryland"
Oldest: "So one more state?"
Me: "Maybe. I have no idea."
Tony: "This GPS really wants us on 495"
Me: "What does the trip tic say?"
Tony: "I have no idea where we are on the trip tic"
(Calls Mom) Tony: "Any idea where we are on the trip tic?"
Mom: "No."
(noon-ish)
Entering Virginia... Rest stop, pee, inhale aforementioned sandwiches, conference with Mom, and the map...
Mom: "This trip tic is the worst. I can't understand it. But it looks like if we follow this to here, and go east on this road, we should be fine."
get back in... still on schedule for 2pm arrival...
BAM! Wall of traffic... WTH? No accident, no construction, no random road kill.
GPS: "Drive 87 miles on I95 South, towards Richmond."
(Seriously? Are you kidding me?)
Spend 1 hour to go THREE exits. *sigh*
(1:30-ish)
Tony: Snore, snore, bobbing head, choke... "Wait... did it open up?"
Me: "Yup right until you woke up, then it stopped again. Go back to sleep maybe it will work again."
Tony: "Maybe that's why the GPS wanted us on 495 so bad." *grumbles*
Youngest: "Wait, when I went to sleep we had 2 hours to go. I woke up and we had two hours to go. I went BACK to sleep and woke up again and we still HAVE TWO HOURS TO GO." *sigh*
Me: "Just go back to sleep, we'll get there."
*sigh*
Me: "Tony, stop poking the driver. Seriously."
At which point the highway Gods took pity upon me and opened up for good, landing us at our destination in about an hour and a half, a full 12 hours after we left, just in time for check in.
And after all that, I decided it was time for a different mode of transportation...
and inflatable raft down the lazy river.
Good times... good times...
***Conversations may not be exactly word for word, as I am not talented enough to jt things down and drive at the same time. Tony's annoying poking, however, was. ***
Sounds like every "road trip" I have ever taken. I fly now.... Then it goes more like "Hubby, stop poking me" while we are on the airplane. LOL!
ReplyDeleteBrought back memories of "back when."
ReplyDelete:0)
(((hugs)))
Tony, don't poke the driver unless she's in bed and in the mood.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
GAWD girly, you crack me up! :)
DeleteIt's the simple truth. Truth is always stranger and funnier than fiction.
DeleteWell, I think Janie said it all on the poking thing... Amazing that you pulled SO MUCH FUNNY MATERIAL out of a teeny little 12 hour trip, am I right?
ReplyDeleteThere was SO much more, but I can't write it down, drive, and ninja deflect Tony's poking all at the same time. :)
DeleteOh...good...grief...I can so relate. I pretty much have the entire route from Virginia to Connecticut memorized:
ReplyDeleteMrs. Penwasser's oft-repeated phrase: "DON'T BUY A BIG GULP! DON'T BUY A BIG GULP! YOU'LL NEED TO PEE BEFORE WE GET TO STUCKEY'S!!"
Virginia:
Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel.
Way pricey, but it beats the snot out of 64/95.
Plus, it's picturesque.
You can also pee at that gift shop. Or buy Saltwater Taffy. Or both. I won't judge.
NOTE: Only 13 feet of clearance between the bottom of an aircraft carrier and the tunnels.
BTW, speaking of Stuckey's near the MD border? Hands down the NASTIEST Mens Room on the Eastern Shore!
Maryland:
Yawn. But, there's crabs. Or whatever STD people prefer.
Delaware:
More yawn, but we can pee at the Smyrna Rest Stop.
New Jersey:
Seriously? It's New Jersey. But, you can pee at any of the rest stops on the Jersey Turnpike. Just wear a bullet-proof vest when you're near the one at Camden.
New York:
I hadn't heard that about the Tappan Zee Bridge, but I'm not surprised. It has to be better than taking your life in your hands by using the GW and traveling through the Bronx. I don't stop to pee ANYwhere there. FYI: I hear the new Tappan Zee will be $14.
Connecticut:
For one of the smallest states, it is one of the most gawdawful ones to drive through. I prefer the Merritt/Wilbur Cross Parkways to I-95. Not only are there fairly plentiful places to pee (hopefully, by now you've noticed my middle age bladder theme), but since it doesn't take you through the urban decay of Stamford, Bridgeport, and New Haven, you're lulled into thinking that CT is a "pretty" state. Besides, one of my friends growing up disappeared in a pothole on the Connecticut Turnpike and we haven't see him since.
Luckily (for me), my journey usually terminates in Guilford at my brother's beer collection.
All the way to Florida?
Whew!
At least there's "South of the Border" and "Joker Joe's Fireworks."
Actually, I think you've inspired me to write a travel post of my own. But, not now.
DeleteI have to pee.
I LOVE THIS!! And Tony shares in your hatred of driving through CT. I shall have to remember your tip as I think we've only ever gone 95 though it. His gripe, "only 47 more exits, as we pass 12a, 12b, and 12c"... *sigh*
DeleteI have not been to South of the Border since I was a kid. I remember standing in the big sombrero thinking I could see forever. :) Such good memories... course, my mom likely remembers things entirely different. Something about us whining for more cookies or a tacky key chain from the gift store. :)
Can't wait for your travel post... after I pee of course.
I didn't know that about the Stuckey's men's room. I wish we had stopped there so X had suffered. A new Tappan Zee is going up? I liked the old one. I think I'll find someone to tell X that if he drives back and forth across the Tappan Zee until it falls down that he'll get a million dollars and a prime spot in HELL.
DeleteThe Tappen Zee route, while a few miles longer than taking the Jersey Turnpike into New England, at least spares you the urban decay of northern Jersey and the Bronx (and a lesser chance of losing your life if your car breaks down). Although, all those GD tolls on the Garden State Parkway are quite annoying. You can see the progress of the new TZB as you drive on the old one. I may be dead by the time they finish it, though.
DeleteOh, sorry, I hit "enter" before I was finished. Stuckey's? When you walk into the Mens Room (and Ladies Room, too, for all I know), it's like you've walked into a moist fart.
DeleteLast time (I PROMISE): taking the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel route is not nearly as effective as taking I-95 through Baltimore and Washington. May God have mercy on your soul.
DeleteShoot (and I PROMISED)...when going to Florida, I should add.
DeleteNow.....DONE!!!
You made me laugh, Penwusser.
DeleteI'm dying over here - between the posts and the comments!!
ReplyDelete"Don't touch me." "Mom she's touching me." "Mom he fell asleep on me again." "Mom they are BOTH asleep on me now."
ReplyDeleteThis is why God and the minivan/SVU industry created captain's chairs in the middle. For that I thank them. [I know, I know - you love your vehicle and it didn't come with captain's chairs and it's a small price to pay when you only car travel once a year...yet? It's awesome.]
So sorry we missed you. I wouldn't have had to reroute you to Loudoun County. Your head might've exploded. giggle Looks like a great time. Can't wait to read more.
The worst part is that WE HAVE A THIRD ROW!! Tony decided we didn't *need* to use it because it was easier to leave the seats down and use it for luggage. *sigh* On the way back we alternated the kids in my parent's car. For a while there, I forgot I even had any passengers.... until Tony got his "real" coffee and the touching the driver started up again. :)
DeleteI think I would have pulled over and let Tony be the driver, that would be annoying with all the poking, even if you do love him. What an adventure to go on a road trip with your parents (I know in separate vehicles). However, floating on that lazy river does look like fun and probably worth the hassle of getting there :)
ReplyDeletebetty
I am WAY too stubborn for that. Plus we'd have been ticketed in 35 seconds once we got to VA. Troopers EVERYWHERE.
DeleteI don't like driving on long road trips I leave that to Tim and me I will often sleep while we are driving
ReplyDeleteI seriously laughed out loud at your closing line! :) Awesome road-tripness. I'm hoping (even though I know) you spent some quality time on that lazy river. Hugs!
ReplyDelete