Dear Postal Customer....

Dear Postal Customer,

I realize that I am very late in offering my unsolicited advice, but for all of you who waited until the last minute, I am here for you.

It's not too late to mail out those holiday greeting cards.  If you get them done tonight, and in the box tomorrow, local ones should arrive by Christmas Eve.  Unless of course, you use silver envelopes and address them with pencil.  No one can read that sh!t. Not even if I was 20 years old with perfect eyesight.  Which I'm not.  So knock it off.

It is too late to mail your gingerbread man across the country in an envelope parcel post.  You can mail him overnight for $19, but if you want him there with dancing legs in tact, you'd better slip him in a box which will run ya more than $20.  If you want to spread some serious holiday cheer, throw in some sugar plum fairies and some bulk candy, remember that that stuff is heavy.... you might want to go with a flat rate... but it's worth it.  I mean, come on... can you really put a price on holiday memories?

Now, I know the holidays can be crazy and I understand that we're all busy.  But the post office is not your personal holding station for your shopping spree.  I have tripped over your packages for two weeks now, it's time to pick them up.  And if you think you can sneak in, grab your mail from the box, and escape without picking them up so your husband doesn't see, it's not happening.  I'll happily put them in your car for you, because they need to go.

I'm not completely heartless, I understand that things happen. People go away, they forget to put their mail on hold.  But don't complain when your cards get bent after being shoved into a 4 X 4 box for two weeks, or that your grocery flyer (for a sale that's long past) is ripped.  And, if you're a snowbird who's left already for the season, do not yell at me when I forward your packages because I had no idea you were back in town for two days.  Mind reading is probably the only thing that's not in my job description.

I also know that people get sick and sometimes pass away and I am truly sorry for your loss.  But if you want your inheritance check, you need to pick up your mail.  I'll happily send her unpaid bills return to sender at your request, but when Mom's social security check comes, that too will go. Because if she was dead yesterday, she's still dead today, and she won't need that cash in heaven.

The holidays will inevitably bring long lines at the window, with all types of people.  Be patient.  Some people have no idea how to write a check.  Some have no idea how to address an envelope.  Some just like to lick the self adhesive stamps. That's okay.  We help everyone sort out their postal needs and shipping options can be very confusing. But I warn you, if you come in with a take out cup of coffee and seriously ask to ship it across the country to your brother, genuinely believing that none of it will spill along the way AND that it will arrive piping hot, so that when he opens it up it will spill all over him and burn him, we're gonna think you're weird.

And kind of stupid.

And we'll likely talk about you.

For a long, long, time.

Happy Holidays!