He's A Thinker, That One...

"Being safe is just an illusion.  So is control."- Youngest

Youngest has always been a deep thinker.  But at nine thirty at night, after a very long day, I am not ashamed to say this epiphany was met with a "ah-huh" instead of deep discussion.

A girl's got to know her limits.

He's right though, we all fabricate our own world that's safe, when in reality anything could happen and we have no control over any of it.  We can educate ourselves, be proactive, follow the rules, and look both ways, but it doesn't stop a poor choice, or an accident or illness from finding us and shattering our safe little haven.

Three years ago, three of my coworkers were diagnosed with cancer.  One has passed, one has made (against the odds) a second remission, and the other, just this week, decided to spend her last Christmas chemo free, with her husband and two young kids. I can not even wrap my head around how this shattered their safety.  She was given a good prognosis, until everything they were safely controlling didn't work. I still can not even think about it, or understand how, her husband continues to come to work each day, even for a half day, but maybe that's his way of reinstating control. Maybe it's his safe place.

I'm a bit of a control freak. and while it's not even remotely close to the same thing, when I got sick and took a week long hiatus from life, I thought about this a lot. Tony, while he is an amazing man, works best as a short term pitch hitter.  Could he coordinate Scouts, basketball, IEPs, honors breakfasts, homework, Magic tournaments, doctors appointments, specialists, medications, run the house, and work if I wasn't here? Which then of course, leads to the question, what would have happened if I hadn't been okay?

I was raised with a very strong work ethic.  I was to work, no matter what, and while I do love my vacations, they are rarely spent relaxing, But the last unscheduled sick day I took for myself was over a year ago when I had kidney stones. Before that? Easily 3 years ago with a double ear infection, flu, and pneumonia.  That Friday morning before my birthday, I laid in bed and thought I should stay home.  I didn't feel well, it would be fine. Yet still, I got up and went to work. I worked all day, and then went out with the kids until after 11 that night. I didn't feel good, but I couldn't just stop.  And then the next day, when I could stay home, I ran errands with Tony.  I even refused to go to the emergency room, still thinking I would be fine.  Which was stupid.  And if I'm being completely honest here, I'd venture to say that if Tony had not pushed, I'd likely not gone on Sunday either.  It's quite possible that I wouldn't have gone until my gall bladder ruptured, or until my insides were so poisoned I wouldn't have been able to decline the ride in the ambulance, and then where would I be?

In the end, my stubbornness comes back to not wanting to shatter my safe haven.  I can not get sick, because it will disrupt the cohesiveness of our family. I could not take a day off from work because it may jeopardize the job that allows me to keep our family comfortable. I needed to control it all, keep it safe, even if it was all a giant illusion.

This Thanksgiving, I was never more thankful than to be here, safe and sound, and (relatively) healthy with my family.  I was thankful for my sons, who stepped up when asked, my parents who stepped in when I couldn't, and a husband who held my hand, and never faltered as glue that is me, could no longer hold it all together.

I am usually pretty honest about my life, captioning the "perfect" pictures with the real words of parenthood, which aren't always as happy as the picture appears.  But safety and control are two of the illusions I have always held close, and this year I  think it may be time to get rid of the smoke and mirrors, and just be.... human.  Rest when needed.  Call in sick when I am sick.  Accept that I can't do everything, everyday.  And embrace the idea that sometimes the best way to build something new, is to let all the pieces fall to the ground and start over.

That maybe the best life for us is one that's sometimes messy and unpredictable hodgepodge of what comes next, presenting opportunities that that strap you into the wildest ride you've never imagined.