Family Ties....

In a rare moment this past weekend the husband and I unexpectedly found ourselves alone for a few hours. At one point during our On Demand Quantico catch up on the couch, he mentioned that this was exactly the way he wanted his days off to be, just spending time together.  I asked him if that was enough, just me.  Because sadly, the reality is that his "circle" is shrinking, and I wonder if that will be okay for him.  I wonder if those of us that shake out in the end will be enough for him.

Family is a funny thing.  It's fantastic when it comes together, this genetic comradery, creating best friends for life and dependable people who will always believe the best in you, even when you don't believe in yourself. But sometimes it just doesn't. Real life isn't like that.  Sometimes life just takes over and you're left sitting at the Thanksgiving table wondering who the hell these people are and why you're sitting with them.  Or, hiding from them out in the car with a bottle of wine.

I have been very lucky in that my family, for the most part, are my friends.  My parents have been my safe place, and my siblings have played nearly every role in my story. I have numerous aunts and uncles, cousins, first, seconds and thirds, all which I have learned something from. But the biggest thing I've learned?

Family isn't determined by DNA.

My boys are very close to my parents.  They also had their VoVo (Tony's mom), and their Grandma Do from Florida. Their paternal grandparents, Nana and Papa, who have little more to do with them than sending a check in a card when they remember, always accompanied by a note of how they'd love to see them, but mom couldn't make it happen.  (And why couldn't I? Because they NEVER tell me they are in town... 20 minutes away... for 3 months.)  Their Grandma Do is my friend from Florida who took on the mom role for me when my mom was 1200 miles away, and their VoVo was the woman they visited on Saturdays, who despite not understanding a word they said, loved them with every bit of her, proudly posting pictures of them on her fridge right along side her "real" grand kids.  I don't have to tell you which ones they consider to be family.

They also have an aunt who lives 10 minutes away.  I ran into her about a month ago.  She was at a beach bar that I had wandered into looking for a friend of mine who had disappeared from our picnic a ways down on the beach.  She looked right through me as she walked by, socialized with her friends, all caught up in the famous Hollywood company she had found  herself in.  And while she was posting selfies with her new found, Oscar winning best friend, the nephews that she claims to have loved so much, that she hasn't seen in 4 years, the only link left to her brother, were playing on the beach a few hundred yards away.  But that nugget would never make it to Facebook, and the boys could have cared less that they missed seeing her.  She may share their freckles, but is not their family.

Tony's ex wife's, ex-brother in law, is one of our favorite people.  He visits him every week.  We raise money for Parnkinson's research under his team.  He cooks for us, Tony brings him beer, he was the only person not related to us at the wedding.  And yet, he was there.  Because he is just as much of a brother to Tony as his actual brother, and in some ways, is more.

Family is a choice.

And surrounding yourself with those people who have your back, ones who love you despite yourself, ones who make time for you in their busy lives, who make the hard choices when you can't, and who will loan you their sweatpants after they've made you laugh so hard you pee a little....

Those are the people you keep as family.

After my grandparents passing, my mother found she had 2 siblings left.  And while it was a tough thing to accept, I think her life is fuller and healthier now that the rest have gone on to other things.  I don't know what will happen in the upcoming months with what's left of Tony's family.  I see glimmers of hope, but my gut sees a much sadder story unfolding.  And I just hope that in the end, the family that he's left with, his chosen family, will be enough.

~~~~~~


Incidentally, as I wrote this Tony was sitting on the couch, asking why I question these things.  (If he is happy with our life, with me, etc.)  Then he laughed and said "See, this is why I think you must drink all the time."

*eye roll*

If only I did honey.... if only I did.