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| Full disclosure: Car was clearly not in motion while picture taking, Hello? It's the New York Tolls. Also, this is the way back, as I was not awake enough during the ride down to have the where with all to document any of it. |
When I was a kid, if we went anywhere it was in the car. Two trips to Florida, caravan style, with aunts, great aunts/uncles, and grandparents, with three CB radios between us, hopefully avoiding the trucker channel so as not to confuse them with our "handles". There was no GPS then, only a map and really good eyesight to catch the road side signs whizzing past you at 65 mph. Short cuts to New Hampshire often ran through Maine, and we fast became masters in the art of "holding it". Mom would heat up chocolate chip cookies on the dash of the truck, then pass the warm gooey chocolate-ness through the teeny window to the truck bed, where dad had built and bolted down, a wooden seat for three, complete with seat belts, for the 1200 mile trip. Yup. Totally safe. And totally awesome.
So how could I not give my kids the same opportunity that I had growing up? It's like a right of passage, this road tripping thing. The car was packed, reservations made, destination: Virginia. 560 some odd miles, 9 hours and some change.
And so, it starts....
(3am)
Meeting the parents at Walmart off the expressway
Tony: "Why do you always come in this way?"
Me: "So I can see the whole parking lot."
Tony: "It's 330 in the morning, I'm betting we'll find them pretty easy."
Me: "It's what I do. Leave me alone."
Tony: "See, they're right there."
Me: "Stop poking me."
(4-ish)
Oldest: "What state are we in?
Me: "Massachusetts."
*he settles in for a nap*
Me: "Tony, stop poking me."
(4:45-ish)
Oldest: "What state are we in?"
Tony: "Rhode Island."
Oldest: "So that's Boston?"
Tony: "Nice, Chico...nice."
*sigh* Make mental note to question exactly what he's learning in geography.
(5-ish)
Dad calls from his car: "We need to stop at the next service station."
Me: "Okay, just use your blinkers."
Dad: "I wasn't using my blinkers?"
Me: "Not really."
Dad: "Oh. Am I driving to fast?"
Mom: "Tell him YES!"
~Pee break, then inhale snack-age, then get back on the road~
Youngest: "What state are we in?"
Me: "Connecticut"
Youngest: "How many more?"
Me: "Like 6 or 7"
Youngest: "He's sleeping on me"
Me: "Oldest, sleep to your left"
*grumble, moves pillow to the window*
Me: "Tony, stop poking me while I'm driving."
(6am)
GPS: "Drive over the Tapan Zee Bridge"
(later) Dad: "You know that's the most dangerous bridge in the country. They're building a whole new one to the side. It's really dangerous."
Me: "Should we not have gone over it?"
Dad: "Nah, it's fine."
(7-ish)
Me: "Stop touching your brother. Make a fort with your blanket or something, but stop touching each other."
Tony: "You might have been on to something wanting Youngest in the back row."
*eye roll, ya think?*
Entrance to the Jersey Turnpike. It's rainy, the windows are steamy and it's still somewhat dark...
Me: "There's no one here. Am I in the right lane, they all said EZ pass? What do I do?"
*drives through*
Tony: "I think you were supposed to take a ticket."
Crap.
GPS: "Drive 27 miles on the New Jersey Turnpike."
Reading the road signs:
Me: "What is "The Oranges"? You think it's like West Orange, North Orange, South Orange?"
Tony: "Probably. Pretty soon We'll be coming up on the strawberries..."
Me: "The Big Apple.*snicker* You know it's fun to make fun of signs going down, but the way back it will probably suck."
Tony: "I know, we'll be like "Damn... we're only at the oranges.... wahhhhhh..."
Me: "Or worse, LOOK, the Georgia peach! Oh GAWD!! We're going the WRONG WAY!!"
(8ish)
GPS: "Drive 57 miles on the New Jersey Turnpike
Tony: "We are going to need to stop for lunch."
Me: "I figured that, but I packed sandwiches in case we opted to hit a rest stop and keep going."
Tony: "You made me a sandwich?"
Me: "Yup"
Tony: "What kind?"
Me: "Ham and Swiss cheese with mayo."
Tony: "You did? You're just the best. Did you pack me a Thermos of coffee too?"
Me: "No."
Tony: "That's it. Forget it. You're a failure."
GPS: "Drive (another) 27 miles on the New Jersey Turnpike."
Me: "For the love of GAWD! This state is only like this (holds fingers up) big! How can we possibly drive this for over a hundred miles???"
Tony: "I wonder what it's going to cost us with no ticket."
Me: "It's Jersey... maybe $50 bucks? $20 maybe?"
(Turns out $13.85... such a deal)
(9-ish) *Waves hello to NYC in the distance*
Oldest: "What state are we in?"
Me: "Delaware"
Oldest: "How many more states to we have?"
Me: "I have no idea."
*sigh*
Me: "Tony, DO NOT poke the driver."
(10ish)
Me: "Do you find it ironic that the Correctional Facility is located off the Society Road exit?"
Tony: "It says so much"
Me: "Welcome to Maryland"
Oldest: "So one more state?"
Me: "Maybe. I have no idea."
Tony: "This GPS really wants us on 495"
Me: "What does the trip tic say?"
Tony: "I have no idea where we are on the trip tic"
(Calls Mom) Tony: "Any idea where we are on the trip tic?"
Mom: "No."
(noon-ish)
Entering Virginia... Rest stop, pee, inhale aforementioned sandwiches, conference with Mom, and the map...
Mom: "This trip tic is the worst. I can't understand it. But it looks like if we follow this to here, and go east on this road, we should be fine."
get back in... still on schedule for 2pm arrival...
BAM! Wall of traffic... WTH? No accident, no construction, no random road kill.
GPS: "Drive 87 miles on I95 South, towards Richmond."
(Seriously? Are you kidding me?)
Spend 1 hour to go THREE exits. *sigh*
(1:30-ish)
Tony: Snore, snore, bobbing head, choke... "Wait... did it open up?"
Me: "Yup right until you woke up, then it stopped again. Go back to sleep maybe it will work again."
Tony: "Maybe that's why the GPS wanted us on 495 so bad." *grumbles*
Youngest: "Wait, when I went to sleep we had 2 hours to go. I woke up and we had two hours to go. I went BACK to sleep and woke up again and we still HAVE TWO HOURS TO GO." *sigh*
Me: "Just go back to sleep, we'll get there."
*sigh*
Me: "Tony, stop poking the driver. Seriously."
At which point the highway Gods took pity upon me and opened up for good, landing us at our destination in about an hour and a half, a full 12 hours after we left, just in time for check in.
And after all that, I decided it was time for a different mode of transportation...
and inflatable raft down the lazy river.
Good times... good times...
***Conversations may not be exactly word for word, as I am not talented enough to jt things down and drive at the same time. Tony's annoying poking, however, was. ***
