The Queen Of Her Life...

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook the day after she took her mother off the ventilator.  Just a few months had past since she said goodbye to her father, she and her siblings had to make the horrible decision to let her mother go as well.  Her mother had gotten sick the week before Tony's and she too was was traveling two hours both ways to see her in ICU.  I can't imagine how hard it is for her to lose them both in such a short time, but I can relate to the sentiment of her post because well, I am right there with her.

Eleven months ago, on the day of my 40th birthday, I got sick unexpectedly, and while I was fine, it resulted in a six day hospital stay and several weeks of recuperation.

A week or so later, my mother also went for surgery and started her months of recovery.  She was and is still fine, but the recuperation is taking much longer than expected.

Nine months ago we got hit with the beginnings of the worst snow on record here.  Tony threw his back within days of the first storm, resulting in his being on the couch for a month.  A long needed MRI resulted in new bulging disks, spinal stenosis, and small hairline cracks in his vertebrae.  He is up and mobile now, but every time he does some thing outside or active I worry, will this be the day it finally goes?  

Seven months ago I learned that my son was starving himself to death by accident.  He is healthy and growing again now, but for a while it was very scary.  There was a lot of yelling about food, a lot of stubbornness, and I may have done a lot of crying in the shower.

Six months ago Tony's sister went to the doctor with back pain and found she had stage four cancer.  Their relationship was strained and a lot had been left unsaid, and while he wrestled with what to do and how to handle her illness, she continued to get sicker.

Four months ago Tony's mother got really sick and landed in ICU.  The toll her cancer and CHF had taken was inevitable and as the doctor's plainly said, she was lucky to still be with us.  But was she really?  We watched her get sicker and sicker.  She struggled to even get out of the chair.  Towards the end she would just sit and stare at her shows on TV, not really watching, just staring.  There were glimpses of her humor, her wit, and her sarcasm, and for that I will be forever grateful, but the months preceding were hard to watch.

Two months ago his sister died.

Last month I discovered that my liver is not functioning the way it should after gall bladder surgery.  Not the end of the world, but I am undergoing many, many tests to try and figure out the best method of attack so to speak.  One that won't set off the diverticulitis, won't trigger the Celiac, and won't leave me with further damage down the line.  It's a fine balance to find under stress.

About 3 weeks ago we noticed Mr. Chewey, our cat, was getting more and more anti social.  He's losing his balance, sometimes having his back legs give out on him, and escaping out the back door, which he's never, ever, done before.  I know that at 15 his life has been full, but it still, I am not looking forward to the moment it ends.  As much of a pain in the ass as he is, he's been our family for the last 9 years.

Two weeks ago Tony's mother past away.

A week ago I found out my mom has osteoporosis and two hairline fractures in her spine.  She is being treated, but like me, has to find the balance between fixing it and making something else worse.

Last week there was another cancer diagnosis.  The prognosis is unsure as appointments are still to be made, but it is scary none the less and is prompting us both to look at our own health for genetic probability and how well we are providing for things after we are gone.  Death does that. And while mine has been set up for quite a while and revisited since we got married, Tony's are antiquated and will leave me with virtually nothing is he were to go, which makes me nervous., sad... and scared.  And despite our conversations, I still think nothing's been changed.

Our roof is still leaking two years later, the dishwasher leaks now daily and until we get an estimate on the roof I can not spend the money.  I need new glasses, the propane needs to be filled for the winter heat, and we are slowly uncovering the estate finances that we thought were taken care of were not.  Which in any other  situation would be fine, except my husband owns the mortgage, and in doing so, has tied his credit to every aspect of the house... taxes, utilities, etc. Which means they will need to be caught up and paid.... somehow. And being a planner, my brain is running it's own circle of hell, attempting to keep it all together with a roofer that won't call back and will undoubtedly just show up when he's ready, an estate we have no control over but yet have to pay for, and keeping the household that needs to stay stress free and stable running despite all this.

It's like trying to carry around an octopus in a mesh bag, thinking I've got it all together until suddenly another leg falls out.

And all this is not to say that we have not had good in all of this.  We have celebrated birthdays, biked hundreds of miles, enjoyed many dinners, and had adventures together that would never have happened had we not decided to stick close to home this year. Youngest and I have spent countless hours eating and biking together.  Oldest has engaged with more friends this summer than ever, developed his social game, and started high school more focused than ever.  Tony and I are stronger, learning to put things aside that we can not control and learning when we need to tag each other in for the next round.

The next year will undoubtedly find us caring for sick family, juggling finances, yelling, crying, cutting losses, and letting go.  But it will also be full of the everyday moments that I will cling to... time to cook a real meal and maybe even sit down at the table, one or two more kayak trips before the weather turns to suck, leaves turning, cool nights, bike rides and camp outs with Youngest, basketball games for Oldest, a random visit from Bonus Son, and goofy moments watching TV with them, all while watching them grow into young men.

And in three weeks, my birthday...

...at which I will eat cake.

Lots and lots of cake.

Because while I do not need to be the queen, it is still MY life and the choices are mine.